The beast is back, those who really know me, know what I mean by “the beast.” For those who don’t, I am referring to my cluster headaches. Now before you think I am talking about a headache or a migraine, you should actually look up what a cluster headache is. See, cluster headaches are not headaches, they are THE DEVIL. People often look at me strange when I call my “headaches” the Devil, but I have a personal history as to why I do that.
I began getting cluster headaches when I was only 11-years-old. My parents had no idea what was going on with me, neither did I or most doctors for that matter. When these headaches first came they lasted for a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks of constant pain, rapidly changing in intensity. The pain was in my temple and behind my eye, causing my eye to turn red (like pink eye), causing it to water, droop and I had blurred vision in the eye.
These headaches only came a few times a year, but when they did, they were like a beast attacking me. I used to go through stages of pain in which I would say different things that signified the kind of pain I was in. Eventually I had a consistent pattern of phrases I would say when I was at different levels of pain.
Through all of this, my mom was always looking for answers as to what was wrong with me. I went to all kinds of doctors, including eye doctors. I had cat scans and MRI’s, which showed that I do have a cyst on my brain. Don’t worry about that though, it hasn’t changed over the years and isn’t related to the problem. I don’t remember the exact order of the events leading up to a diagnosis, but I do remember that those specific phrases that I would say were very similar to this pain chart that my mom found on the internet: http://www.clusterheadaches.com/scale.html
Pain level 0
No pain, life is beautiful
Pain level 1
Very minor, shadow’s come and go. Life is still beautiful
Pain level 2
More persitent shadow’s
Pain level 3
Shadow’s are getting constant but can deal with it
Pain level 4
Starting to get bad, want to be left alone
Pain level 5
Still not a “pacer” but need space
Pain level 6
Wake up grumbling, curse a bit, but can get back to sleep with out “dancing”
Pain level 7
Wake up, sleep not an option, take the beast for a walk and finally fall into bed exhausted
Pain level 8
Time to scream, yell, curse, head bang, rock, whatever work’s
Pain level 9
The “Why me?” syndrome starts to set in
Pain level 10
Major pain, screaming, head banging, ER trip. Depressed. Suicidal. |
When my mom showed me this scale, I felt hope. I was no longer the only one who had this. There were others, and they knew what I was going through. They new this was not just a “headache.”
My personal pain scale varied a little. First of all when I was at levels 0-2…life was never beautiful, I was a teenager….seriously. Level 6 and 7 made me feel like I wanted to jab a pencil through my temple, not to kill myself, but the stabbing pressure to my temple made it feel better. Of course, I never did that…lol. Level 9, well I think it is the same for everyone…”why me?” I went through that one more times than anyone could count. Then we get to level 10. My mom and I would argue on this, I don’t think I have ever had a serious suicidal moment in my life, but she would disagree. When I was younger, and going through these attacks, I would say things like, “if I were dead, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore.” That’s not suicidal, that is just stating a fact…lol! Seriously though, the suicidal part of level 10 has always been different for me. Level 10 is where the enemy would sneak into my brain and plant words of doubt that would draw me away from God. I remember vividly, because he always tells me the same thing, “God hates you, that’s why he is doing this to you.” The Devil is pretty sneaky, he always sneaks in at the worst possible time and attempts to tear you apart. I do have to say, that for as far back as I can remember I have had a relationship with God. I attribute so many things in my life to that relationship. Although I have been confused at times (who hasn’t been?), my relationship with God is what has brought me through.
So the miracle…I serve an awesome God, a God who can work big and small miracles, whenever he wants. Well this week I received two small miracles that I just have to share.
As I said in the beginning, this week has been bad. The beast has been really painful this time, and not being able to see out of my right eye causes me to be dizzy, nauseous at times and it is just ridiculously hard to function. Oh, and did I mention the PAIN this time, it’s just been bad. Usually I can manage the pain with over the counter meds and a rice pack, heated very hot, and pressed to my temple and eye. If I hold it there hard, almost burning my face, I get relief. My mother-in-law had me try that about eight or nine years ago. For the first time, I had felt instant relief to my pain….AMAZING! I mentioned this week was bad though, last night, it didn’t work. Nothing was working, all attempts had failed.
I was laying in bed trying to sleep so that I could get relief (it never works like that). I had reached level 10 and the Devil was well aware of it. He started in at me, telling me that God hated me. I didn’t put up with it for long. I got up out of bed, grabbed my Bible and went into the living room. I laid back on the couch and pressed my Bible to my head, where I would normally put the heated rice pack. I started praying, I told God, that I know that he is his word. (See John 1:1) So I decided that if the rice pack didn’t work and the meds were not working, that God, was going to work. If the Bible says that “the word was God,” then I was going to press God (the word), to my head. In about 10 minutes the pain was INSTANTLY gone.
Can you explain that? I can. God worked a small miracle in my life last night, and saying “Thank You,” just isn’t enough. I needed to share it. Call me crazy if you want, I don’t care. He’s done it before and he will do it again.
Oh wait…he did. In the same day. LOL…he amazes me.
So I was scrolling Facebook, I am almost never in the Cameron Swap Shop. I am usually in and out, to post a quick Scentsy ad, on occasion. Well last night I was in there and came across a picture of six Scentsy buddies for sale. I scrolled past, then went back.
Hold on, I need to back up this story a bit. Towards the end of August and early September I have a Scentsy booth at the Northwest Missouri State Fair every year. I had loaded up my husbands truck and was heading to Bethany to set up my booth. When I got there, I could not find this box of six Scentsy buddies ($150 worth). I retraced my steps (the drive), tore my house apart and asked everyone I knew. They were no where. You know how not being able to find something really tears at your soul sometimes? Well, not finding those buddies was driving me nuts and I finally decided to pray about it. I remember asking God to help me find those Scentsy buddies. Very trivial prayer I know, but I told you already, my God works large and small miracles.
Well I decided to message the lady who had the buddies posted in the swap shop, because they were the EXACT six buddies that I had lost. I felt awkward doing it, it was a hard thing to do, but I did. I said to her, “I know this is going to sound strange, and maybe it is just a coincidence, but did you happen to just find those buddies that you have posted on swap shop?” Well after a few messages back and forth I knew that they were the buddies that I had lost. They came in the recycling to Clinco (The Dollar Barn). The ladies at Clinco were so incredibly kind to me. They didn’t have to offer to let me have my buddies that I had lost, but they did. I will forever LOVE and promote the Dollar Barn. It was already amazing, but now they have blessed me. I got my buddies back.
So I don’t know if God just thought that my faith was being tested this week and I was in need of a miracle or what, but He gave me one. Then he tossed in another, just to make me laugh. Which I did.
He is so amazing. Always there when I need him, always has been. He works at just the right time. And he is a God of humor. He loves me, and no level 10 can make me think otherwise.
Two small miracles in one week. I am sorry this was so long, and hopefully it was worth the read.
Good Night & God Bless,
Kendra
Kendra Lewis 